It really wasn't that bad. Well, it was pretty bad, but only in 3 second bursts.
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Randomize
