I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
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