You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
