when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
