I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
Randomize
