A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
