I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
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