I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
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