mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
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