I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
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