:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
