Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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