I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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