I just pynch a tree in the face
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
