I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize