someone threw a dead crab at me
dude, she has braces
i meant the dude w the ponytail.
i was less creeped out when i thought you were talking about the 14 y.o.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
only you would photoshop your dick
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
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