The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
