hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
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