Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Where is the hickey?
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
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