i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
