i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
I wish I could teleport
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Randomize
