I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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