Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Randomize
