i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
