I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize