How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
