now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
