if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Randomize
