Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
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