How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
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