i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
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