I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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