I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
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