I'm going to rape someone's good day.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
