you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
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