How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
