I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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