Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
