I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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