when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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