Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
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