I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
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