Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
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