dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
Randomize
