My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
Randomize