i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
I could make wine with my vomit
Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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