sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
