Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
