I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
i don't mind that he's uncut. i like it! it's like a little sweater!
a cock doensn't need a sweater! especially a skin sweater! wtf.
That's like some buffalo bill hannibal lector shit.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
