I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
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