ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
