Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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