im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
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