She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
Randomize
