I checked into jail on foursquare
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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