why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
