We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
