so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
