i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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