I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
